Holes: Rolled & Stretched

"When thou runnest the holy Sleeper sites of Bob, the Lord thine God, thou shalt never do so without first rolling thine statics. If there existeth any K162s, those thou shalt also roll. If thou shalt not roll thine statics and K162s then thou shalt post a scout on the holes. If thou shalt not roll thine statics and K162s or post a scout then thou shalt burn."

- A reading from the Holy Scriptures of Bob

As a devout follower of Bob I feel it is my duty to bring his Holy Word to all the peoples and tribes of w-space. This past Monday I had an opportunity to do just that (just like the Spanish Conquistadors that purified the souls of the Aztech savages).

Having resolved our home system, Dirty Mermaid, I was scanning out our static chain. There were a couple of wormholes to C5 space and some lower class systems as well. I began poking my head into each of the systems. I started with the low-end stuff first, hoping to find a solo site runner, but had no luck, so moved onto the C5's.

The first of the two wormholes contained nothing of interest, so I immediately moved onto the second, a system we would unimaginatively name 5.2

The wormhole to 5.2 was this system's static and I noticed when I first scanned it down that it had just at that moment spawned the K162 on the other end. By the time I jumped through it had existed for a good 5-10 minutes.

Dscan was empty save for a citadel and a POS and there were only three or four signatures in system, along with two sites. The outer planet was outside dscan range, so I warped over to check it out.

Someone was running escalations! Accompanying the wrecks were 2 Rattlesnakes, a Moros and a Phoenix. I quickly put eyes on our targets, relayed this information to my fleet and after much serious deliberation it was decided that the two of us (me in my Helios and Menacher in his Machariel) would fall just short of being able to break their tank, so he batphoned some friends of his: POSParty and Fly Sideways.

At this point the situation became somewhat unstable. While Menacher tried to collect some extra DPS, our targets which were part of an alliance called Moist (nice name, btw) spotted the extra wormhole connection and began rolling. For anyone not familiar with w-space, this presented a particular issue because if they rolled then our well-trod and convenient back door into their system would be lost and if there were no other convenient routes we would lose an opportunity to gank capitals. At this point, though, there was nothing we could do.

I remained in the system, hoping they would return to cap escalations at which point I could scan down the static and hope it wasn't crit. While they were busy rolling I went ahead to the outer planet and dropped probes, then moved them out of dscan range of the system and returned to my perch on the wormhole.

Meanwhile, Menacher was dealing with POSParty and Fly Sideways. Their alliance was under a wardec by some hi-sec scrubs. POSParty's rectal cavity had already been ravaged earlier in the day and they decided to have a big, gay ship-spinning party for themselves rather than redeem their abject failure in the eyes of Bob. Fly Sideways, however, did not disappoint. They came for the gud fites and flew across a dozen or so hi-sec systems, dicks out and waving like glorious banners of defiance in the face of hi-sec wardec and CONCORD alike.

As soon as the hole collapsed Moist reshipped and returned to finish the site and I made use of their distractedness to resolve their system under their noses. Their static, miraculously left stable, lead to a C3 system. The C3 was full of sigs, but I quickly found a hi-sec connection that was just a few short jumps from a hi-sec connection in Dirty Mermaid's static chain.

With our route to Moist's sweet, sweet capitals re-established I headed back to the C5 and put eyes back on our target, but they had changed up their fleet comp to produce more Sleepers. They were now flying 3 Moros dreadnoughts and 2 Phoenix carriers. Our fleet, though reinforced by Fly Sideways, wasn't setup to handle a this, but we soon lucked out.

Moist finished the site and began prepping to run the remaining Sleeper site while one of them salvaged wrecks and loot. Menacher and Fly Sideways were now in the hi-sec system, waiting to move up the chain to the C5. We were waiting for Moist capitals to take the field again, but several minutes ticked by and nothing happened. While we probably could have waited for the salvaging Noctis to clear the field and reship so they could run the second site we got tired of waiting and decided to use the Noctis as a pretext to bait Moist into a larger fight.

Fly Sideways joined my Helios in the C5 with a Loki and Proteus (both cloaky). The rest of the fleet moved up into the C3, standing by to jump into the C5.

While I kept eyes on Moist's citadel, the Loki engaged the Noctis, slowly burning it down. Moist escalated with a Stratios, which also died, this time to both the Loki and the Proteus. While the Stratios burned Moist pulled out a shiny Bhaalgorn. As it warped ever so slowly to the outer planet where the Loki and Proteus were our fleet jumped into the C5 and warped to what was an inevitable slaughter.

We wouldn't get any cap kills, but the Bhaalgorn pilot's death cries in local would entertain us well enough. Loot was scooped, lulz were had and a valuable lesson was taught.

Special thanks to the professional multi-boxers from Fly Sideways!

A Gaming Wasteland

I recently (late April) returned to EVE after about a year of wandering the wastes of what makes up our current gaming menu. Having dabbed in Diablo 3 (and its expansion), Heroes of the Storm, Kerbal Space Program, Skyrim, Fallout, ARK and all the rest, I came to the realization that while they each performed brilliantly in a few aspects of what I really wanted in my gaming experience none of them came as close as EVE to putting it all together.

Now I'm not saying that EVE is perfect. Far from it. I'm just saying that EVE is currently the only game I'm aware of that comes pretty close to what I want in a game.

My perfect gaming experience is one that allows me, and other players, to design and create massive structures; immense monuments to our own egos. All the players should be in one game-space so we can experience each others' grandiose edifices. Players need to be raised to near manic emotional highs at the completion of their goals. I want them to stand and bask in the glory of their creations. I want to stand behind them and stare in wonder. The pinnacle of my ideal gaming experience is to be able to destroy everything that everyone else has created - preferably accompanied by their great emotional trauma.

It's always been my personal opinion that EVE is not, per se, a great game. It's got a UI made of spreadsheets and a world that isn't consistent with what we know of astrophysics. But EVE does one thing exceedingly well: it allows us to force-feed hate and discontent to our fellow players by the truck load.

POS Fuel Would've Been Better

     
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  Channel ID:      -64189487
  Channel Name:    Private Chat (DERELICT MYBALLS)
  Listener:        Malception
  Session started: 2014.10.22 23:28:46
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[ 2014.10.22 23:28:49 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > o7
[ 2014.10.22 23:28:53 ] Malception > \o
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:06 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > :)
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:17 ] Malception > hi there, leader
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:30 ] Wakkachu > good evening nice to meet you
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:36 ] Malception > so what's up?
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:18 ] Wakkachu > well obivoiuslsy we have a lot to talk about
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:29 ] Malception > i'm all ears
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:41 ] Wakkachu > derelict told me about the co op killing chance
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:56 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > IT WAS MAGICALL
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:22 ] Malception > easy peasy
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:26 ] Wakkachu > and of course i dont know your corps true intentions
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:34 ] Malception > Kill: Chance Ravinne (Stratios)
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:42 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > OH MY YESSSAAHHH
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:43 ] Malception > indeed.
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:53 ] Malception > i suppose you have no way of knowing our true intentions
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:58 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > ill shut up now
[ 2014.10.22 23:32:52 ] Wakkachu > but are you willing to disscuss an agreement with VV and dutch?
[ 2014.10.22 23:33:50 ] Malception > we can discuss anything you like. obviously any agreement depends on the terms for both parties, but go ahead and tell me wha tyou've been thinking.
[ 2014.10.22 23:34:05 ] Wakkachu > of course
[ 2014.10.22 23:34:26 ] Wakkachu > the devil is allways in the details
[ 2014.10.22 23:34:48 ] Wakkachu > from my point of view
[ 2014.10.22 23:35:27 ] Wakkachu > i have no agreement to offer you as i dont know where we stand but i am willing to disscus
[ 2014.10.22 23:36:17 ] Malception > would you like to know where we stand then as far as The Company is concerned?
[ 2014.10.22 23:37:57 ] Wakkachu > cool thats a start of course you guys run under your own objectives and thats perfectly fine. I have no problem with that. So what are your guys MO?
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:26 ] Malception > we kill stuff.
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:37 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > they are good
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:40 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > :D
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:42 ] Malception > constantly in and out of wormholes looking for targets and fat loot
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:51 ] Wakkachu > i get that from your kill board mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:28 ] Malception > we went through your hole a few days ago and saw that those homolords were harassing you so we offered our assistance to blap them.
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:41 ] Wakkachu > do you have an intrest in forming a NAP with us? is that within your objectives?
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:43 ] Malception > there's not much to it. derelict was very helpful.
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:51 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > I KILLED MYSELF
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:57 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > FOR THE TEAM!!
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:09 ] Malception > not particularly. we wouldn't gain anything from a nap with a bunch of bears.
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:15 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > then i had Bacon
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:40 ] Wakkachu > ok fair enough
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:44 ] Malception > derelict said you guys do some industry stuff. is that right?
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:50 ] Malception > do you build any ships or ammo?
[ 2014.10.22 23:41:17 ] Wakkachu > we do many things within eve online mate yes we have a presence here in a WH
[ 2014.10.22 23:41:21 ] Malception > or POS fuel? anything that might be useful to wormholers like ourselves?
[ 2014.10.22 23:41:46 ] Wakkachu > are you looking for an arms dealer?
[ 2014.10.22 23:42:11 ] Malception > i'm looking for someone who can provide something useful to us in exchange for something like a NAP.
[ 2014.10.22 23:42:26 ] Wakkachu > fiar enough
[ 2014.10.22 23:42:51 ] Wakkachu > what arms are you looking for?
[ 2014.10.22 23:43:36 ] Malception > POS fuel would be helpful
[ 2014.10.22 23:43:44 ] Wakkachu > what race?
[ 2014.10.22 23:43:53 ] Malception > amarr
[ 2014.10.22 23:44:19 ] Wakkachu > and what sort of deal are you looking for fuel blocks?
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:08 ] Malception > a NAP and Mutual Defense Treaty in exchange for fuel.
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:12 ] Malception > on a regular basis.
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:31 ] Wakkachu > no ofence mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:38 ] Malception > in reality that plays out to us coming to your aid for pvp. we can handle pvp on our own
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:56 ] Wakkachu > yes you guys are good at PVP
[ 2014.10.22 23:46:00 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.22 23:46:27 ] Wakkachu > you are asumeing we are defenceless bears
[ 2014.10.22 23:46:42 ] Malception > from the looks of you kb that's exactly what you are.
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:07 ] Malception > still, you're free to burn at the hands of thatscrub we blapped the other day if youw ant.
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:19 ] Wakkachu > well i agree with you but thats fact of being new pilot friendly mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:31 ] Wakkachu > well
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:44 ] Wakkachu > we are not burning to wingspan mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:48:30 ] Wakkachu > now
[ 2014.10.22 23:48:52 ] Wakkachu > I am willing to disscus a mutral agreement with VV and dutch
[ 2014.10.22 23:49:05 ] Wakkachu > that would be beneficail to both partys
[ 2014.10.22 23:49:15 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.22 23:49:48 ] Wakkachu > i am not willing to enter an agreement where you think we are you pets, do you follow me mate?
[ 2014.10.22 23:52:36 ] Malception > i don't see how you providing us what we need in exchange for what you need is making you our pets. if anything we're the ones that are going to have to do all the leg work, but since you dont like it what do you have in mind?
[ 2014.10.22 23:53:08 ] Wakkachu > cool
[ 2014.10.22 23:53:32 ] Wakkachu > VV is not asking dutch to come to our call to defend us
[ 2014.10.22 23:54:03 ] Wakkachu > VV is surgesting you are a roam ing gang
[ 2014.10.22 23:54:23 ] Wakkachu > VV operaties in many areas of eve
[ 2014.10.22 23:55:16 ] Wakkachu > i belive we can for some agreement that can be a benefit to both groups
[ 2014.10.22 23:55:57 ] Malception > such as?
[ 2014.10.22 23:56:22 ] Wakkachu > well baring fuel blocks what would help you guys?
[ 2014.10.22 23:56:34 ] Malception > how about intel on targets?
[ 2014.10.22 23:57:43 ] Wakkachu > in hi low null and wh space we could potentcail help alot. Do you have anybody in mind or is it genral?
[ 2014.10.22 23:57:45 ] Malception > if you guys operate throughout eve you're in a good position to feed us intel on where to find idiots running sites
[ 2014.10.22 23:58:02 ] Malception > in general. we're equal opportunity gankers.
[ 2014.10.22 23:58:11 ] Wakkachu > larfs like it
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:00 ] Malception > if you guys have any affiliates we could use intel from them as well.
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:19 ] Wakkachu > yes we do have contacts in new eden
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:33 ] Wakkachu > of course im not going to tell you now
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:41 ] Wakkachu > as we have only just met
[ 2014.10.23 00:00:02 ] Wakkachu > what posistion do you have in your corp?
[ 2014.10.23 00:00:36 ] Malception > Head Nigger In Charge (HNIC)
[ 2014.10.23 00:00:54 ] Wakkachu > ok forgive me but what does that mean?
[ 2014.10.23 00:02:10 ] Malception > well since we just met i don't really feel all that comfortable telling you the details, but what position do you hold in your organization?
[ 2014.10.23 00:02:29 ] Wakkachu > ok thats cool
[ 2014.10.23 00:02:35 ] Wakkachu > then answer me this
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:00 ] Wakkachu > do you have the autharity to speck on behalf of dutch?
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:12 ] Malception > Yes.
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:24 ] Wakkachu > cool
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:41 ] Wakkachu > as you know i am the alliance leader of VV
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:45 ] Malception > doyou have the authority to speak for VV or should i be directing my questions from here on out at Derelict?
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:02 ] Wakkachu > just aswered that one mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:11 ] Malception > barely. go on.
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:24 ] Wakkachu > not barely
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:31 ] Wakkachu > i am the alliance leader mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:05:17 ] Wakkachu > may i make a surgestion to you
[ 2014.10.23 00:05:30 ] Malception > no, but you may get to the point.
[ 2014.10.23 00:06:10 ] Wakkachu > ok my point is this
[ 2014.10.23 00:08:28 ] Wakkachu > I surgest myself and dutch areange a conversation regarding mutail agreement at an arange time. If this is condusive with dutch plans great. if not then i dont belive we can reach an agreement. wouldnt agree?
[ 2014.10.23 00:09:19 ] Wakkachu > you^
[ 2014.10.23 00:09:26 ] Malception > what mutual agreement do you have in mind?
[ 2014.10.23 00:09:50 ] Wakkachu > i think you missed my point mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:10:09 ] Wakkachu > i surgest
[ 2014.10.23 00:10:30 ] Malception > you want to discuss the undisclosed terms of an as yet unproposed agreement at a future date then?
[ 2014.10.23 00:10:43 ] Wakkachu > me and dutch arrange a meeting to disscuse this
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:04 ] Wakkachu > when i say dutch i meen you and your bosses
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:19 ] Wakkachu > i am willing to arrange this
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:23 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:39 ] Wakkachu > i feel you are unwilling to do this
[ 2014.10.23 00:13:40 ] Wakkachu > am i worng?
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:01 ] Malception > without knowing what you have in mind, aside from a mutual agreement,i can't commit to meeting in the future.
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:10 ] Wakkachu > agreed
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:16 ] Malception > wouldyou like to give more detail onyour thoughts?
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:28 ] Wakkachu > sure
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:35 ] Malception > thanks.
[ 2014.10.23 00:16:16 ] Wakkachu > my thought are thus
[ 2014.10.23 00:16:34 ] Wakkachu > I have intel on you guys
[ 2014.10.23 00:16:58 ] Wakkachu > but thats the only data I have to form an opion on you guys
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:09 ] Wakkachu > i dont have
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:20 ] Wakkachu > point of contct with you guys
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:34 ] Wakkachu > this is why we are talking
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:48 ] Wakkachu > so i can understand who you are
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:50 ] Malception > very well. would you like me to shed any light on any of the intel you have on us?
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:03 ] Wakkachu > of course not mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:15 ] Wakkachu > this is why i wanna talk to you
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:25 ] Wakkachu > get it first hand from you
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:25 ] Malception > so what would you like to know about us?
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:28 ] Wakkachu > or
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:31 ] Wakkachu > your corp
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:03 ] Wakkachu > this is why i want to discuss further ops
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:05 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:11 ] Wakkachu > if you think
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:23 ] Wakkachu > we will pay you not to atack us
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:30 ] Wakkachu > then you are wrong
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:35 ] Wakkachu > that wont happen
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:43 ] Wakkachu > so i surgest
[ 2014.10.23 00:20:27 ] Wakkachu > we arange a meeting between you and I and your CEO to potencail look at co operation
[ 2014.10.23 00:20:55 ] Wakkachu > if your not happy with that
[ 2014.10.23 00:20:59 ] Wakkachu > thats fine
[ 2014.10.23 00:22:00 ] Malception > cooperation on what level? when do you propose we have this meeting? where will it take place? i need a level of detail about what you want to discuss beyond what you're providing.
[ 2014.10.23 00:22:19 ] Wakkachu > fiar enough
[ 2014.10.23 00:22:38 ] Wakkachu > whenis a good time for your guys to come and talk to me?
[ 2014.10.23 00:23:45 ] Malception > We're going blue because Derelict was persuasive and showed us that it was valuable to us as well as you to go blue

Convergence Zone

The Company has explored, scanned, surveyed and exploited more systems than we can be bothered to count. During those wide-ranging excursions we've noticed a pronounced drop in wormhole activity. Specifically the activity availing itself to surprise butt-sex: Sleeper Farming.

During our weeks of constant scouting all we've managed to get glimpses of are covert ops frigates and cloaky haulers and those are by far few in number. In general w-space seems to be sleeping.

Yes, there are a few corporations who've managed to swell their ranks and engage in the large wormhole fights, but these entities are not in the same class as us. They happily blob entire fleets onto a single carebear cruiser in order to whore the killmail. Unfortunately they will just as happily renounce you for not engaging them, despite their known blob tactics.

That is the down-side of massive entities in w-space. No one wants to fight them for fear of being so overwhelmingly outnumbered that fighting becomes an exercise in futility.

Regardless of whether the current doldrums are a result of massive entities or something else the Company is lucky to have found its most recent acquisition: the location of a class 3 wormhole system with active pilots and many shiny ships ripe for the plundering.

Stay tuned for a report of upcoming operations.

Mutiny on the Faggot Sea

Failure. Loss. Defeat. Cowardice. Betrayal.

The road to glory is long and twisted. It doubles back on itself and no one is immune to confusion. Even bitter vets get lost and must start over.

On the decks of our elite Stratios cruisers, buckled and burned by countless battles, we former Captains of the Dutch Rudder Company sail the unspeakable madness of wormhole space. With fair solar winds at our backs and smooth waters ahead we plundered the tight holes of carebears and failtards in the systems connected directly to the regions of known space.

Within weeks we had amassed a fortune from looting officer-fit Caracals and PLEX-encrusted tears. It was time to make for port and squander our bountiful wealth on male strippers and unnecessarily expensive battleship hulls with fancy paint jobs.

Erotic, depraved hedonism cannot last forever and we soon took back to the uncharted stars, this time in support of those we believed to be friends.

We found the corporation known as Jaded to be a veritable sea of anus-chafing faggotry. Ceaseless chattering filled with "rekt", "gucci", "kek", "gibblefart" and "suckadickbro" reverberated throughout their home C5, Stargasm, in childlike voices that would be impossible for me to replicate - to attempt it would require filling my mouth with an inordinate amount of semen!

Despite their incoherent ramblings and endless debates about everything from ship fittings to how many more penises one of them could stuff into his butt we decided to stay and attempt a rescue operation.

When their active leadership was berated by an absentee CEO we came to his defense and helped him take the helm of the corporation in name as well as in fact. Ruinous comms discipline was reigned in to a mere retarded comms discipline. Catastrophic Sleeper escalations that would've otherwise resulted in the deaths of entire gangs of caps were salvaged so that only minimal losses were incurred.

Jaded's gratitude for our efforts of leadership and content generation was expressed in the revocation of our roles and banishment from their precious festival of failure.

Left to our own devices once again, the Captains of the Dutch Rudder Company hoist our space-anchors and set sail with cargo holds full of wildly inappropriate ammunition and a dick-flourish flag flapping proudly atop our jackstaffs.

Keep out a weather eye, space friends. Soon enough you may see us coming over the horizon.

A Long Road Back

There have been many kings throughout history: great kings, weak kings, priest kings, god kings, foolish kings and even wise kings.

None of them are so special, however, as dead kings.

Poisoned, assassinated, slaughtered, betrayed and deposed, dead kings, whether they die in glorious battle and victory or suffer ignominious death via the errant bolt of a soup-maker, become the stuff of legend.

I, too, am a king – a dead king – crazed by exposure to the long dark of Anoikis and the deep places. I am dead yet free of the thief which stole my sanity.

In time my mind will recover. Perhaps with another clone; another rebirth.

Yes, I believe that's the key.

'Once there was a thief and the thief was God.'

- First line from The Exodus Bible

Piracy!

Official writ from the Headquarters of the Dutch Rudder Trading Company:

To the Board of Directors at the Dutch Rudder House,

An account of actions undertaken by the Company on the 10th of May, 2014 in J140642 against ships flying the flag of the Science and Trade Institute and a defense against accusations of piracy by the very same.

----------

By a Staff Officer

----------

Malception, commander of the Infidel, thus named in the angry-spaghetti script of all Hajis everywhere.

The aforementioned system had been under surveillance by a Company ship under the command of No'Wai Amagawd, newly-returned from shore-leave  and the co-author of the infamous No'Wai-Malception Law. Captain Amagawd signaled to the rest of the fleet, once more commanded by Torshawna aboard the flagship One Flourish to Burn, that he had spotted neutral activity in the open at which point our fleet made full sail to the nearest wormhole that would provide entrance to where the targets were located.

Upon entering the system we found the targets to be on the wormhole to high security space and engaged them there for lack of a better option. As they all jumped out a Navy-issued Caracal landed several kilometers off of the wormhole. Our Stratios cruisers made short work of the vessel, but the pilot's escape pod slipped away.

Many of the modules remained intact within the wreckage and they were of some value.

What followed were immediate accusations of piracy on the part of the Company by the captain of the destroyed vessel whose unmitigated stupidity was highly entertaining for those of us involved. The commander of the fleet was the first to receive communications from our most recent victim.

An EVE mail from the idiot:
PIRATE
From: themoron Sent: 2014.05.11 00:18
To: Torshawna, 

Fuck you.

...Followed by chat conversation:
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:32 ] Torshawna > why so rude?
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:36 ] themoron > thats why
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:38 ] themoron > in the wormhole
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:47 ] Torshawna > we didn't get the pod
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:00 ] themoron > Yeah, well you're still a douche
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:06 ] Torshawna > what for?
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:07 ] themoron > enjoy your bounties
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:14 ] Torshawna > for playing the game?
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:22 ] Torshawna > don't fly in wormhole space if you don't want the risk
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:47 ] themoron > You have a choice to camp, just like I have a choice to go there. We were just exploring
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:54 ] Torshawna > we didn't camp
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:59 ] themoron > ergo, enjoy the bounties
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:05 ] themoron > no, you saw noob ships
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:13 ] themoron > and thought itd be fun to open up
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:17 ] themoron > which makes you a douche
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:23 ] Torshawna > alright
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:32 ] Torshawna > let me say this to
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:36 ] Torshawna > you'll feel a lot better
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:53 ] Torshawna > May the Rudder always guide you into Orgasm Harbor. It's been a pleasure sailing with :)
[ 2014.05.11 00:22:41 ] themoron > what, your 3 month old corp
[ 2014.05.11 00:22:42 ] themoron > zzzz
[ 2014.05.11 00:25:41 ] Torshawna > lol
[ 2014.05.11 00:25:48 ] Torshawna > you can smalk taK ALL YOU WANT
[ 2014.05.11 00:26:00 ] Torshawna > the fact that you are idiots, doesn't hurt my feelings

Some post facto intelligence gathering has yielded the following gems: a little behind-the-scenes write-up by the pilot's acquaintance as well as a conversation between the pilot of the Navy Caracal and his more experienced, but vastly more impoverished friend.

In accordance with policies a priori zero shits have been given over this incident and all butthurt has been collected to be used as ballast for our vessels.

Siphilus

Official writ from the headquarters of the Dutch Rudder Trading Company:

To all who shall see the presents, Greeting. Let it be known that on the 25th day in the month of April in the 2014th year of our Lord, the Company undertook a joint operation to be conducted in Anoikis with unaffiliated corporations.

Flying under the Admiralty of Torshawna aboard the flagship, One Flourish to Rule, our fleet, consisting primarily of Stratioses and inexplicably-present Blackbirds, engaged a Sacrilege and Cerberus in null-sec after passing through a class 3 system. Both ships managed to escape, but we soon turned the guns of the Company on one our own.

Since joining our battle-group Siphilus (a.k.a. Xylophone), a representative from Blacksoul Tribal Nation, made a certified ass of herself, but I suspect she overestimated the number of shits to be given by the Company.

After she left herself in a position of extreme vulnerability in null-sec it was jokingly suggested she simply be scuttled in order to return her to the safety of hi-sec to which she responded that though many threatened to kill her none had ever followed through and she would be relieved if someone actually followed through.

Being a consummate gentlemen of the stars Dutch Rudder Trading Company sent her to a fresh, new clone thus providing that longed-for relief.

Therefore, it shall be this Company's policy forthwith to provide zero shits and harvest all butt-hurt and tears from said policy. Also, Ishisomo is henceforth renamed Itchy Homo on all navigational maps of the Company.

The Company

Among those sailing the vast psychosis known as New Eden there are but a few that belong in such sociopathic depths. These few sing to me from across the surface of the abyss with their big gay siren song and I find myself flying under the banner of the Dutch Rudder Trading Company, a new entity founded by the same deviant minds that brought us Cold Moon Destruction.

The Company is crewed by pilots normal people should not consider flying with. As I've stated in previous blog posts they are truly scum of the earth, but one is hard pressed to find better friends.

It's only been a week since joining, but I'm already enjoying life on the high seas, so if you're an experienced pilot and enjoy a good time then you definitely need to call us. We are without a doubt the best pilots in all of EVE and cannot be defeated. Ever. Guaranteed.

Join JACKN IT channel for that "good time" I talked about.

Until then entertain yourself with one of our latest exploits.

Троцкий

Cosmology recently encountered some Russians from a class 2 system (c2.1) that had connected to us. Their scanning Tengu, looking for easy kills in some Sleeper sites no doubt, scanned our system and jumped into our static, a class 5 system. We had already scouted that system and all the wormholes were now at the end of life and nearing collapse.

The Tengu would soon be back this way so a friend and I waited for him on our side of the wormhole. Naturally, we were correct in our thinking and the wormhole shook as the Tengu jumped back toward us, but our cruisers couldn't get a lock on it before it managed to cloak.

Knowing it would make a run for safety we warped to the c2.1 wormhole. I landed just as the Tengu was jumping through and quickly followed after. On the other side I immediately de-cloaked, hoping to catch the Tengu before he could warp off, but it seemed I was too far behind him and he had already escaped.

Instead, I was presented with two Stiletto-class frigates; interceptors that were far too nimble for me to lay hands on with my Proteus, which was slow and cumbersome by comparison. The Stilettos were soon joined by a Cynabal and shortly thereafter one of them interceptors reshipped to the Tengu we'd seen earlier.

During this time I stayed on their side of the wormhole, allowing them to work their way through my shields and begin gnawing on my ship's sturdy armor tank. This allowed the other pilots in our system, Headshed, to reship into ships that would be able to handle any sort of minor escalation the Russians might make.

Both the Cynabal and Tengu were staying outside my range while the Stiletto burned in and jumped through to Headshed. I followed, hoping to get lucky and catch him on our side with the help of those waiting, but none of us could get a lock on and he jumped back through.

I followed, polarizing myself in the process, but managed to point and web the Stiletto, putting him into deep armor before he escaped my range and warped off. I was left with the Cynabal and Tengu once more, but in Headshed were now an Arazu and another Proteus.

Burning off the wormhole I attempted to close with the Cynabal, but was unable to reach him. Our Arazu jumped in and damped them down a bit, but was unable to force them to within my short point and web range (my recent shift toward mitigating ECM jams had caused me to sacrifice my extended point and web, a fact that repeatedly reared its frustrating head during this engagement). It did force them to break off the engagement though, but not before our Arazu which was poorly fit had to jump back through to Headshed.

There was a lull at this point where both sides tried to think of suitable responses to the other sides tactics. They were unable to break the tank of a single Proteus, but we had yet been able to get a point on a single ship aside from a Stiletto which had made a mistake, but escaped anyway.

I reshipped to my Daredevil and went back to c2.1, hoping to engage one of the Stilettos and put an end to their troublesome buzzing around our ears. I was soon greeted by an Vengeance-class assault frigate, which gave me pause. It was slower, but better armed.

Eventually I decided to err on the side of aggression. If I managed to pull off a kill here then we'd have finally gotten a kill out of what had so far been a very tedious and frustrating dance. If I died then we'd hopefully provoke them to bring our more ships in hopes of further kills.

My aggression resulted in the latter of the two outcomes: https://zkillboard.com/detail/36525854/.

Undaunted, I reshipped to my Proteus and returned to c2.1 with our second Proteus. I cloaked up and waited. Soon enough the Cynabal was back, landing 70km from the wormhole and in near perfect alignment with planet IX. I warped to that planet and returned, de-cloaking midwarp, landing nearly on top of the Cynabal, who wasted no time burning away from what might soon be certain death.

In spite of my luck the Cynabal escaped. At this point I was raging against Bob, whom I now suspect is a Russian dissident who during some prior life went by the name of Comrade Trotsky.

As to be expected the Cynabal was quickly joined by a couple of Stilettos as well as a new ship to the field, a Tornado. One of the Stilettos didn't waste time in wandering too close, however, allowing the two Proteuses to make short work of it: https://zkillboard.com/detail/36526033/.

Since the Tornado was closer I turned to burn towards it, but it warped off, rather than get into close combat. At this point, my armor was deep into red, so I called in our two Guardians to get reps. At their appearance the Russians abandoned the field.

With the Russians unwilling to engage in close combat and we unwilling to abandon our logistics the was effectively at an end. We returned to our system, posting a watch on the wormhole to c2.1 and saw no more of the flighty Russians.

Ultimately there were no good fights here and everyone left with blue balls. I've already switched subsystems on my Proteus to extend my point and web range. In the future we will likely abandon the dual Guardians for a single Oneiros in the face of such light DPS, favoring more ships and long-webbing Lokis.

I'd like to congratulate the filthy Reds for their victory in the ISK war and encourage them to make changes that will satisfy Bob's thirst for the goodfights. The deity of w-space may indeed have been called Trotsky in a prior life, but he might also have been known as The Gipper.

Headshed

For a long time now I've been gone from C5 space, but after several agonizingly long months of toil and grievous occupancy of a C3 I've returned. This was certainly not a solo effort. Though I lead the initiative it was only made possible by the efforts of others: Bjorn, Silver and Merc being chief among them, though they were not the only others involved.

Cosmology has long been occupying C3 systems, using them for the easy access to low-level Sleeper sites and as a base to perform reactions that cannot be conducted in Empire space, but for those of us who desired greater things this type of activity had long since lost its appeal.

Operation: Big House was set in motion. For a lowly C3 corporation which had never set foot in the deep places this was a major undertaking. By the will of Bob, Bjorn had found a suitable C5 system by chance and we decided that system would be our future home. He remained there for a couple of weeks, scanning and scouting and scanning and scouting. The system remained empty with the exception of a small expo op that took place over the course of a few days, but they soon packed up shop and departed the system.

Their departure meant we wouldn't have to fight for the system, which was good for a bunch of prior bears, but it also meant we wouldn't get the opportunity to "purchase" their capitals at gunpoint. Bob is indeed fickle, but his favor was still upon our endeavor. He opened wormholes to both our C3 and our C5 which lead to hi-sec systems a mere two jumps apart.

We weren't quite ready to move yet, but neither were we willing to pass up on Bob's notoriously fleeting good-will. Our pilots scrambled into action, making hurried runs to the nearest trade hubs to purchase a POS and materials: fuel, stront, etc. Orcas were filled to the brim and rushed to the C5 along with a few ships that would be needed to assist in the collapsing of a few extraneous wormholes to null-sec and neighboring w-space systems.

We progressed quickly and without incident, soon ready to anchor our POS. I had never done this myself, so for the better part of an hour it seemed to me as if I were holding my breath, pealed eyes darting feverishly between the directional scanner, probe scanner and the POS timer like some sort of fiend huddled protectively over his last, precious crack-rock.

At the time Bob was merciful - I'm sure he will be certain to make us pay for that mercy in the near future - and allowed us to perform our task in peace. When at last our new home was onlined I recalled the glory of the Cold Moon POS's: Uncle Touchy and Butt Plug. This great thing now erected before me, with its cobra-like head and shadowed silhouette, was an image of those lost days.

I named her The Big House, because we are slaves to the will of Bob and ultimately this shelter is his to do with as he pleases. As slaves, we refer to our master's dwelling as The Big House. We will work his fields, reaping the hulls and pods of his people, which he hath sown among the deep places of his holey space.

As Cosmology goes forward, a very Lovecraftian phrase comes to mind: "the old things tread in the deep places."

New Year's EVE Online

Last night was a good night for Cosmology. Unfortunately some of our less-determined and sleep-deprived pilots missed out on the opportunity. Nevertheless, good fun was had by all (targets not included).

I logged in after putting the kids to bed to find that we had two active neighboring systems. Scouts from both systems had scanned down our system, Abyss, which has a static hi-sec exit. While they were scanning our system we had scouts in both of their systems and everyone was cloaked up, so while we were highly active it looked like calm waters.

Basically, you can't ask for better ambush conditions. Our only problem was that the system our hi-sec connected to was 23 jumps from Jita and the visitors were apparently unwilling to make that many jumps. Honestly, I don't blame them. I wouldn't have gone for that either.

To make matters worse these guys had nothing better to do than scanning down our hi-sec and both scouts soon returned to their home systems afterwards and logged off. I had been hoping that at least one of the two scouts would decide the long haul to Jita was worth the time and begin running out haulers or something, but as it happened Cosmology's fleet was left empty-handed.

The sudden drop in potential pew put a damper on our motivation and our EU pilots who were thoroughly deprived of sleep by that point logged off, followed closely thereafter by our resident yankee, leaving us with only a trio, though some of our best.

One of our number pushed forward in his covops, determined to find something to kill, while the rest of us remained in our cloaky T3s and followed close behind in the event our scout found anything worth engaging right on the spot.

We backtracked through one of the K162s and found that it had an incoming hi-sec connection so we followed that and discovered a wormhole in the hi-sec leading to a class 2 system. Once inside we found several more wormholes and a few towers, but there didn't seem to be much activity.

One of the connecting wormholes in the class 2, being at the end of its natural lifetime, was shaking like Michael J. Fox on crack and the other two connecting systems were dead quiet. It was looking very much like we were going to be in for a silent night for New Year's Eve.

Just as my own resolve was beginning to waver Bob, the almighty lord and god of w-space, smiled down on us with favor. New targets - we would soon figure out that they were locals - begin pouring in from the hi-sec system. First it was a Hurricane, then an Anathema and a Nemesis and they were followed shortly by some Drakes and later on a Talos.

With new things to shoot at our lust for violence and space-murder was given new life, but we soon found that we were outnumbered 2-to-1 and these guys were locals so they would have the home-field advantage if engaged. Our scout shipped one of his alts into an Arazu and cloaked up on the wormhole to the class 2 in the hi-sec system.

For a long time we struggled to keep tabs on what they were all doing and where they were at. With only three of us we weren't able to keep track of their six pilots hopping between as many POSs and eventually we simply lost them.

They must've gone into one of the connecting wormholes so our scout began going from one to the other and soon we found them running sites in a class 1 system. Their fleet consisted of 3 Drakes, 1 Talos, 1 Tengu, 1 Navy Drake and a Noctis.

Our Arazu pilot went and reshipped to a gank Proteus for the extra DPS. Having utterly obliterated a larger force by maximizing on our home-field advantage in the past I was concerned about engaging a numerically superior force so close to their own system. While our scout was getting close enough to provide a warp-in for our small group I was considering whether we should engage on the wormhole when they returned to their system or attack while they were still at the site.

Ultimately I decided on taking the initiative and attacking them in the site rather than waiting for them to come to us. Point targets were assigned to each of our three pilots and the first three targets were established. Our scout said he was in position so I gave the word to jump through the wormhole and hold cloak.

Luckily I made one last inquiry of the scout before engaging:

"Mav, what's your range from the target?"

"About 18k."

That was at the very edge of my point range and although we had one ship with a long point I wanted to be closer. Close proximity would also allow our Proteuses to begin applying damage immediately.

"Everyone hold cloak. We still have time. Mav, get closer. We need to be no farther than 5k from them when we land."

As our decloak timer ticked steadily down our scout closed the range with the group and gave us the go ahead. Everyone warped in and I found myself sitting right at optimal range on the Tengu, which was primary.

Points were spread and the enemy fleet's superior numbers gave most of them enough security that some of those who weren't pointed stayed to see the fight to its conclusion. The Tengu had a good tank, but couldn't sustain itself under the combined deeps of our overheated blasters and missilez.

We liberated the pod from the restrictive confines of the Tengu's innards and moved on to the Talos, which melted under the assault. At that point one of the initial Drakes that had warped off returned to assist his friends. I tackled him and we moved on to the Navy Drake, which put up a respectable defense, but suffered the same fate as the others. The drake followed in like fashion and we also killed their Noctis which had come to the field to honor Bob's glory with its sacrifice.

The entire time we were slaughtering them I was watching d-scan, waiting for the pods that had escaped to reship in their home system and return with either Logistics or ECM, either of which would've utterly shut us down. Combined with tackle we would've all burned in Bob's glorious fire.

Luckily for us, that's not how it went down. We looted the wrecks and departed the system through its static hi-sec, setting course for home. e-High fives were given between the Cosmology space-bros, the loot was divided and we called it a night on a high note.

Violence of Action

On the 11th of December we had a run-in with some guys from a connecting system. I can't recall their names, but for the same of simplicity I'm just going to refer to them as the HomoSexDoucheBags (HSDBs for short).

It started as I was out scouting the chain when Merc notified me that we had visitors back in Abyss. I was already heading back home when he first saw them so it didn't take long for me to get there. Menacher was also in Abyss helping keep and eye on wormholes and trying to figure out what our visitors were up to.

The HSBDs were quickly moving ships through our system to hi-sec and we thought that perhaps they were moving out, but couldn't get into a good intercept position before things cooled down. I reshipped into a covert Proteus and sat on the connecting wormhole they were using, but saw only pods and small ships I wouldn't be able to lock.

By this time Bjornsen had joined us in a covert Proteus, Merc was flying a covert Tengu, but didn't have a point fitted and Menacher was acting as primary scout in his covops frigate inside the HSDB home system. Merc and I held position and waited for a couple of haulers to come back in that we'd missed earlier on their way out. Luckily they didn't disappoint. Merc gave the heads up that they were inbound. I decloaked on the connecting wormhole and engaged them when they landed.

Both haulers jumped through to their system. I followed. On the other side I engaged one of the haulers. Merc called out that an HSDB Armageddon, Proteus and Scorpion were en route to support the haulers' return and they were landing as I had the hauler well into shields.

Bjornsen jumped into system while Merc waited in Abyss on the other side of the wormhole in his Tengu. The HSDB Proteus jumped through the wormhole into Abyss and I followed while Bjorn stayed in their system and bore the weight of the Geddon DPS. Merc and I engaged the Proteus on the wormhole in Abyss, but it jumped back through into the hostile's home system. Bjornsen jumped back into Abyss at the same time.

Menacher, still scouting in the HSDB system, passed word that all ships were leaving the wormhole and going back to their POS. The ambush had been a failure, but we didn't lose any ships to their superior numbers (at some point we'd counted about 6 different pilots from HSDB).

FC: Malception

Sustain: While our numbers were pretty feeble we had 100% participation from those online, even if some didn't intend to get pulled into a fight. Nice work and I most definitely appreciate the dedication to committing as many acts of space-murder as possible.

Improve: Sadly there are a lot of things that need improvement.

• Fleet Comms - If you're not the FC don't talk unless it's to pass critical information or ask for clarification on the FC's instructions.
• Fleet Composition - We need to get everyone skilled up on armor-tanked boats. They don't need to be covert T3s, but they do need to be armor. We also need to make sure that everyone has a point (even scouts should have point for hero tackle purposes).
• Scouting: I should've sent the scout into the HSDB system earlier in the engagement.
• FC Aggression - HSDB had enough visibility of our forces to know that they would have to pass through a gauntlet on their way back home. I should have acted with more aggression initially before they had enough time to scope us out. The other option would've been to sacrifice some of our DPS in exchange for Logi support, but would only provide possibilities not guaranteed outcomes.

Summary: Good participation. Discipline our fleet comms. Train up armor skills. More aggression at the front end of engagements.

In a perfect world Menacher would've been sent into the HSDB system as soon as we saw activity from them. Merc would have an armor HAC or T3 at his disposal and I would've provided Logi support for him and Bjorn. We would've all jumped into the HSDB system. The Proteus's would warp right on top of the HSDB battleships - a move made possible by Menacher providing the warp-in with his covops scout - and they would burn both the Geddon and Scorpion with Logi support from Malception.

Like I've said in my Scouting Like A Pro series: scouting can be the defining factor in an engagement and we saw it first hand with this fight.

Empty Space

It's been a lean few months for me in my new home. The hi-sec static doesn't lend itself very well to the wide open expanses of w-space PvP to which I'd grown accustomed. The accute lack of wholesale violence has made me weak but desperately hungry for space-murder.

Nevertheless, I continue to push forward, searching for the fleets of carebears in their site-running drakes and prodding my corpies into more and more of a pvp-focused role. I have high hopes for our future and look forward to divulging all the details of victories and defeats.

I'm sure they'll be coming soon. With any luck we'll be invaded by Christmas.

The Burden

I'm still in charge. Suck it Caesar, you freaking newb!

I must admit, though, iron-fisted despotic rule does come with its share of toils. For instance, I always thought the POSs just sort of auto-magically fueled themselves. Not really, but it is a much bigger chore than I would've thought if I'd never seized power for myself.

The biggest issue I think is that there's just a ton of little crap to deal with and that requires time which can't be spent roaming w-space in search of death and destruction.

While I'd like to believe this will ease up in the future I'm afraid upcoming plans to move my crew deeper into w-space will only increase the workload. It's something I'll need to address before long.

In the meantime, praise be to Bob!

A Lesson for Corpmates

So I've returned to an old carebear corporation of mine as the leader of their wormhole space operations. Now, I'm not a master at it by any means, but I know a bit more about the dangerous aspects of wormhole space, how to prevent them and how to perpetrate them upon others.

That being the case, I think it's about time I wrote up a brief explanation of how I like to do things. Being the good wormholer that I am, I'll post this information publicly in that hopes that everyone who sucks worse than I do can read this and suck a little bit less.

I'm not sure what to call my particular method in practicing PvP activities. I've always participated in PvP as if I were doing it for real.

For starters I stay out of sight. All predators utilize the element of surprise. It's a valuable advantage and shouldn't be squandered.

Secondly, I do my best to establish a comprehensive picture of the environment and my target. In wormhole space that means I'm usually scanning down all the sigs and doing recon on all the systems around me to understand where my target came from, where he's going and who might be around to help him or hinder me.

I learned early on - a baptism by fire, if you will - that actions based on good, complete intel dictate the outcome of the fight. What's funny is that these aren't new ideas. Some old, dead guy wrote The Art of War a while back and he spells out all these things in detail. If you've never read it you should.

At any rate, once I have all that situational awareness and intel that I'm looking for I make a judgement call on whether or not the conditions favor me. If I think I can swing a successful engagement I'll go for it. If not I'll go elsewhere.

Lesson over. Now go, my children, and commit space-murder.

Dictator Perpetuo

In 49BC Julius Caesar was elected Dictator in the Roman Republic. Dictator was an office occupied only in times of dire emergency and in order to resolve very specific issues. In the years 48-45BC Caesar was elected to the same office until being named as Perpetual Dictator - often referred to today as "Dictator for Life" - in 44BC.

He was assassinated several weeks later.

When my former corporation was disbanded I found myself wandering aimlessly through w-space. I didn't want to join a large alliance and deal with the drama inherent to such organizations. I desired the simple life of exploring the unknown and butchering helpless passersby.

Ironically, I found that my thoughts were constantly drawn to a corporation I'd previously worked with. Ironic, because I'd left them about a year previously to seek out bloodier pastures.

The corporation I was thinking of was Cosmology, a serious industrial corp that had a feeble presence in class 3 space. I contacted their CEO and because of my new experience in merciless slaughter as well as prior exemplary conduct in Cosmology I was offered the opportunity to re-join the ranks.

Appointed by the CEO as "Wormhole Commander" to take the reigns of the corporation's ops in w-space and armed with a Director role I've seized the title "Wormhole Dictator for Life."

It's been 2 weeks for me. Let's hope I can outlast the mighty Caesar.

The Summer of Swag

The guys in Cold Moon Destruction are debased, violent, emotionally abusive, trolling, 100% all gay, godless, immoral sons of whores. If I ever had friends I'd never met they are it.

I can barely remember not having flown with Cold Moon. It seems like forever since I joined - probably because of No'Wai's proliferation of anti-straight propaganda, Torshawna's absentee-ism, Atom's endless complaining, Terumah's propensity for leading us to believe our static wasn't spawning, Everlast's desire to instigate trouble and me constantly being kicked to the em0 Scissor room mid-sentence. Of course, let's not forget Henry's uncanny ability to harvest an entire Instrumental with his army of alts before anyone else could land on grid or Fischey's scanning (and dying) in Tech1 frigates for months on end.

Honestly I don't know how we survived for as long as we have, but our time is almost up. The Summer of Swag is winding down and Cold Moon Destruction draws its last few breaths.

As we all go our separate ways I'd like to reminisce about our last glorious fight, a fitting end to the Summer of Swag.

http://kb.cldmn-destruction.com/?a=kill_related&kll_id=303

The Aztechs were looking for a fight and we determined to give them what for. Carriers and dreadnoughts were boarded. Support ships were readied. Scouts were already relaying intel from the hostile system and once everyone gave the good-to-go we warped our fleet onto the wormhole, held by a paltry token force.

We knew there would be more.

The Aztechs did not disappoint. While their swarm of Legions unleashed a debilitating torrent of energy neutralizers against our carrier pilot their Guardians formed a logistics chain we couldn't break. Their sub-capital assault ships held us down until their own dreadnoughts made it to the field and established their dominance without mercy.

Outnumbered 3-to-1 and without support we broke away from the engagement with what few sub-capitals we could, but that cannot be counted as any worth. The Aztech dreadnought fire ripped through our own capital hulls and whether anyone knew it or not the explosions were the death knells of Cold Moon Destruction.

No one regrets this. It is the natural order of things.

So, my CLDMN space-bros, this is it. We've murdered more things than I can count, relentlessly trolled every kind-hearted person we've encountered, mastered space that most people will never see and some will never learn of.

It's been fun and I love you like a dog loves a hump-toy.

Yolo swag.

Blood in the Water

"Battleships are picking up speed. Raven in warp. Megathron warping. Everything is warping off. They're all in warp," our scout called on comms. All hell was about to break loose and Cold Moon Destruction would be right at home.

Of course, this type of thing doesn't start out in the middle of an operation. The beginnings of this were quite innocuous and to be honest, boring, but in wormhole space boredom is the mother of invention.

I had logged in Monday night to find the chain already scanned down so I hopped into a cloaky Proteus and did a bit of patrolling, but there was nothing to be found. We had no more use for our static connection so decided to roll it.

Fischey (a rapidly-improving scout, btw, so props to him) and I went down the chain in our Covops boats. Our static, C4s, was occupied, but showed no signs of activity so I jumped into a connecting class 2 system while Fisch finished up the static.

I quickly noticed a variety of ships and some activity in the system so started getting eyes on all of their POS's. They had quite a few people on, but not everyone was in the same corp or alliance so it was unclear what exactly was happening in here, if anything.

We noticed that all the POCOs were reinforced and that there had been some recent Sleeper kills as well as player kills. It looked like an invasion, but as far as we could tell there'd been no hostilities between the groups that we'd put eyes on.

Fischey and No'Wai, in a covert Proteus, soon joined me in the C2. The locals were primarily flying battleships and battle cruisers with one or two tech 2 cruisers here and there, one of which, an Abso, was sitting on their critical-mass hi-sec connection doing nothing as far as we could tell.

Maybe he was fail-scouting. Either way this turned out to be the first of many instances in which these pilots were either lost or high. No'Wai was soon watching them switch back and forth between Ravens and battle cruisers, warp back and forth between POS's, log on different alts, etc.

It was all very strange, but soon enough they reached new lows when one of their pilots began slow-boating a Tempest out of their POS. This was very good news, but all we had in system was a cloaky prot and two covops, so in order to keep from embarrassing these guys too much by insta-blapping their battleship with my single Hobgoblin II I decided to go reship.

While all this was going on we were forming up a small, but respectable little gang of T3's and logi in C4s. The goal was to engage this Tempest at the POS and lure more of their people into a fight. No'Wai was closing the distance between himself and Tempest and when he gave the word everyone jumped into the C2 and warped.

40AU. Yolo-swag, as No'Wai would put it.

By the time we landed he'd decloaked and tackled the Tempest. The pilot was also sent on his way.

Unfortunately, none of his friends came to help. To be honest it was rather fast, so we all burned off the POS and headed back to the wormhole leading to C4s, but held in the C2.

The locals continued to perform their odd behavior but showed no sign of interest in a fight. After their hi-sec collapsed Fischey quickly scanned down the new one and managed to pull his probes before they had a chance to see them.

It wasn't long before one of their scouts jumped out to see what system their new static exit lead to. At this juncture we determined that Fischey actually has prescient mental abilities that allows him to call a wormhole activation before one actually occurs. This revelation was discussed in detail while we all sat uncloaked on their hi-sec connection for about 2 minutes "waiting for the scout's de-cloak timer to burn off."

The scout did jump back, though, proving Fischey's new found ability, and got himself polarized for a few seconds. It was long enough to liberate his pod of the burdensome Anathema.

We waited around for a bit, but they showed no further signs of activity. Still, we knew they were going to have to deal with those POCO's and had a pretty good idea what all those battleships were going to be used for. Since the system had a hi-sec static we decided to leave a scout and head back to Swagshack.

Their sick and weak had been picked off from the herd. The next day we'd return for the rest.

Upon logging in the last night (Tuesday) we had a few hours before the POCO reinforcement timers expired. Our fleet commander, Fuegooooooo Paaaaantaloneeeeeeees (yes, it must be typed just as it is spoken), decided to go with heavy DPS rather than stealth, so I headed out to hi-sec and refit my Proteus into beast-mode.

Meanwhile our scout was providing intel that gave us pause. The locals in system were showing massive amounts of firepower. There were 14 piloted battleships and a few more supporting cruisers and battle cruisers. We were going to need help.

I don't know how this transpired, but at different points throughout the night we were flying with some good guys from End of Line, Fighting Carebears and Trimen Explorations. Maybe No'Wai tempted them with his butt or disconcertingly good Smeagol voice. I don't know.

At any rate, we headed toward their hi-sec system in Amarr space and held one jump out. The wormhole was once again at critical mass so we decided to jump in a hole closer under their noses. This worked better than expected since the pilot was able to slip past a faction cruiser. Our scout got the new hi-sec connection and we all burned 15 jumps to wait one system out.

We didn't have to wait there very long. The locals had just warped their fleet of battleships to the planet 7 POCO and we were given the word to move. Upon arriving in the C2 we all warped to the target area. Our scout was sounding off that their fleet was moving to evacuate the area.

They were too late.

Our fleet of cruisers landed in their midst and unleashed a wave of hate and discontent. An Abaddon and its pilot were the first of many sacrifices to Bob that night and were quickly followed by a Navy Raven and its pilot. Another Raven, its pilot, an Oracle and a pod were dispatched in rapid succession.

Bob was pleased but demanded more and our thirst for chaos was not yet sated. We warped our fleet to one of the newly-erected POCOs and began the process of reinforcing it in hopes of forcing the locals' hand.

They began launching ineffectual waves of stealth bomber attacks. I thought we managed to kill one of them on the first wave, but I can't find the kill.

Shortly after this our Fighting Carebear associates had to take off in order to meet prior obligations. This left us with roughly half of our fleet: 4 strategic cruisers, an Absolution, an Armageddon and a couple of Guardians. We did have some stealth bombers en route from hi-sec, but the locals had home-field advantage and were making use of it.

Many of their battleships and battle cruisers had escaped our initial contact, remarkably enough, and now, in light of our reduced numbers they were reforming with logistical support in the form of Ospreys.

"Battleships are picking up speed. Raven in warp. Megathron warping. Everything is warping off. They're all in warp," our scout called on comms.

Our force was outgunned and outnumbered. The enemy fleet of battleships - about a dozen of them - landed on top of us and I was down to about 60% armor before I knew it, my shields having been stripped off as an afterthought faster than you can say "Tijuana Crack Whore."

Our Guardian pilots were on the ball, though and kept me alive, forcing the counter-attacking fleet to switch targets, but their time was running out.

We'd already sunken our teeth into an Apocalypse and were switching to their Megathron. As we began our relentless work on their Armageddon the last vestiges of their fleet were escaping our clutches, probably having re-aligned for a quick exit as soon as they landed in the engagement area.

With their supply of ships rapidly dwindling and suffering massive losses the locals showed no further signs of aggression, though they did remain logged in. This allowed us to continue our reinforcement of the POCO and bring in our End of Line stealth bomber contingent who'd been making best speed to the hi-sec entrance from across the cluster.

I had to leave shortly after this point, but I intend to rectify the situation of enemy battleships being able to escape a wolf-pack of strategic cruisers if we return to that system tonight. They do have a reinforced customs office to deal with, after all.

Malception's Law

Malception's Law (alternately referred to as the Law of Caldari Navy Ravens, the Law of Nubs Flying Billion-ISK Navens or the No'Wai-Malception Law) describes the tendency of low-skill pilots in care-bearing wormhole corporations to fly officer-fit Navy Ravens.

This law can be stated thus: the absolute tendency of a pilot to fly an officer and/or faction-fit Navy Raven is inversely proportional to his amount of skill points as it approaches zero, such that at zero the tendency is infinite and the pilot is only prevented from doing so by his physical inability to board the spacecraft.

This bent was first observed in Katherine Upton of Weyl Manufacturing on 1 August 2013 in J224401 and the hypothesis was confirmed on 24 August 2013 in J111557 when Ander Elbow and Jonas M Bonamigo, both from Tenebris Venators, were observed flying expensive Navy Ravens.

All three instances resulted in the destruction of the Navy-issue Raven.