A Gaming Wasteland

I recently (late April) returned to EVE after about a year of wandering the wastes of what makes up our current gaming menu. Having dabbed in Diablo 3 (and its expansion), Heroes of the Storm, Kerbal Space Program, Skyrim, Fallout, ARK and all the rest, I came to the realization that while they each performed brilliantly in a few aspects of what I really wanted in my gaming experience none of them came as close as EVE to putting it all together.

Now I'm not saying that EVE is perfect. Far from it. I'm just saying that EVE is currently the only game I'm aware of that comes pretty close to what I want in a game.

My perfect gaming experience is one that allows me, and other players, to design and create massive structures; immense monuments to our own egos. All the players should be in one game-space so we can experience each others' grandiose edifices. Players need to be raised to near manic emotional highs at the completion of their goals. I want them to stand and bask in the glory of their creations. I want to stand behind them and stare in wonder. The pinnacle of my ideal gaming experience is to be able to destroy everything that everyone else has created - preferably accompanied by their great emotional trauma.

It's always been my personal opinion that EVE is not, per se, a great game. It's got a UI made of spreadsheets and a world that isn't consistent with what we know of astrophysics. But EVE does one thing exceedingly well: it allows us to force-feed hate and discontent to our fellow players by the truck load.

POS Fuel Would've Been Better

     
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  Channel ID:      -64189487
  Channel Name:    Private Chat (DERELICT MYBALLS)
  Listener:        Malception
  Session started: 2014.10.22 23:28:46
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[ 2014.10.22 23:28:49 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > o7
[ 2014.10.22 23:28:53 ] Malception > \o
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:06 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > :)
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:17 ] Malception > hi there, leader
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:30 ] Wakkachu > good evening nice to meet you
[ 2014.10.22 23:29:36 ] Malception > so what's up?
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:18 ] Wakkachu > well obivoiuslsy we have a lot to talk about
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:29 ] Malception > i'm all ears
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:41 ] Wakkachu > derelict told me about the co op killing chance
[ 2014.10.22 23:30:56 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > IT WAS MAGICALL
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:22 ] Malception > easy peasy
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:26 ] Wakkachu > and of course i dont know your corps true intentions
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:34 ] Malception > Kill: Chance Ravinne (Stratios)
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:42 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > OH MY YESSSAAHHH
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:43 ] Malception > indeed.
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:53 ] Malception > i suppose you have no way of knowing our true intentions
[ 2014.10.22 23:31:58 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > ill shut up now
[ 2014.10.22 23:32:52 ] Wakkachu > but are you willing to disscuss an agreement with VV and dutch?
[ 2014.10.22 23:33:50 ] Malception > we can discuss anything you like. obviously any agreement depends on the terms for both parties, but go ahead and tell me wha tyou've been thinking.
[ 2014.10.22 23:34:05 ] Wakkachu > of course
[ 2014.10.22 23:34:26 ] Wakkachu > the devil is allways in the details
[ 2014.10.22 23:34:48 ] Wakkachu > from my point of view
[ 2014.10.22 23:35:27 ] Wakkachu > i have no agreement to offer you as i dont know where we stand but i am willing to disscus
[ 2014.10.22 23:36:17 ] Malception > would you like to know where we stand then as far as The Company is concerned?
[ 2014.10.22 23:37:57 ] Wakkachu > cool thats a start of course you guys run under your own objectives and thats perfectly fine. I have no problem with that. So what are your guys MO?
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:26 ] Malception > we kill stuff.
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:37 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > they are good
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:40 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > :D
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:42 ] Malception > constantly in and out of wormholes looking for targets and fat loot
[ 2014.10.22 23:38:51 ] Wakkachu > i get that from your kill board mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:28 ] Malception > we went through your hole a few days ago and saw that those homolords were harassing you so we offered our assistance to blap them.
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:41 ] Wakkachu > do you have an intrest in forming a NAP with us? is that within your objectives?
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:43 ] Malception > there's not much to it. derelict was very helpful.
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:51 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > I KILLED MYSELF
[ 2014.10.22 23:39:57 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > FOR THE TEAM!!
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:09 ] Malception > not particularly. we wouldn't gain anything from a nap with a bunch of bears.
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:15 ] DERELICT MYBALLS > then i had Bacon
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:40 ] Wakkachu > ok fair enough
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:44 ] Malception > derelict said you guys do some industry stuff. is that right?
[ 2014.10.22 23:40:50 ] Malception > do you build any ships or ammo?
[ 2014.10.22 23:41:17 ] Wakkachu > we do many things within eve online mate yes we have a presence here in a WH
[ 2014.10.22 23:41:21 ] Malception > or POS fuel? anything that might be useful to wormholers like ourselves?
[ 2014.10.22 23:41:46 ] Wakkachu > are you looking for an arms dealer?
[ 2014.10.22 23:42:11 ] Malception > i'm looking for someone who can provide something useful to us in exchange for something like a NAP.
[ 2014.10.22 23:42:26 ] Wakkachu > fiar enough
[ 2014.10.22 23:42:51 ] Wakkachu > what arms are you looking for?
[ 2014.10.22 23:43:36 ] Malception > POS fuel would be helpful
[ 2014.10.22 23:43:44 ] Wakkachu > what race?
[ 2014.10.22 23:43:53 ] Malception > amarr
[ 2014.10.22 23:44:19 ] Wakkachu > and what sort of deal are you looking for fuel blocks?
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:08 ] Malception > a NAP and Mutual Defense Treaty in exchange for fuel.
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:12 ] Malception > on a regular basis.
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:31 ] Wakkachu > no ofence mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:38 ] Malception > in reality that plays out to us coming to your aid for pvp. we can handle pvp on our own
[ 2014.10.22 23:45:56 ] Wakkachu > yes you guys are good at PVP
[ 2014.10.22 23:46:00 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.22 23:46:27 ] Wakkachu > you are asumeing we are defenceless bears
[ 2014.10.22 23:46:42 ] Malception > from the looks of you kb that's exactly what you are.
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:07 ] Malception > still, you're free to burn at the hands of thatscrub we blapped the other day if youw ant.
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:19 ] Wakkachu > well i agree with you but thats fact of being new pilot friendly mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:31 ] Wakkachu > well
[ 2014.10.22 23:47:44 ] Wakkachu > we are not burning to wingspan mate
[ 2014.10.22 23:48:30 ] Wakkachu > now
[ 2014.10.22 23:48:52 ] Wakkachu > I am willing to disscus a mutral agreement with VV and dutch
[ 2014.10.22 23:49:05 ] Wakkachu > that would be beneficail to both partys
[ 2014.10.22 23:49:15 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.22 23:49:48 ] Wakkachu > i am not willing to enter an agreement where you think we are you pets, do you follow me mate?
[ 2014.10.22 23:52:36 ] Malception > i don't see how you providing us what we need in exchange for what you need is making you our pets. if anything we're the ones that are going to have to do all the leg work, but since you dont like it what do you have in mind?
[ 2014.10.22 23:53:08 ] Wakkachu > cool
[ 2014.10.22 23:53:32 ] Wakkachu > VV is not asking dutch to come to our call to defend us
[ 2014.10.22 23:54:03 ] Wakkachu > VV is surgesting you are a roam ing gang
[ 2014.10.22 23:54:23 ] Wakkachu > VV operaties in many areas of eve
[ 2014.10.22 23:55:16 ] Wakkachu > i belive we can for some agreement that can be a benefit to both groups
[ 2014.10.22 23:55:57 ] Malception > such as?
[ 2014.10.22 23:56:22 ] Wakkachu > well baring fuel blocks what would help you guys?
[ 2014.10.22 23:56:34 ] Malception > how about intel on targets?
[ 2014.10.22 23:57:43 ] Wakkachu > in hi low null and wh space we could potentcail help alot. Do you have anybody in mind or is it genral?
[ 2014.10.22 23:57:45 ] Malception > if you guys operate throughout eve you're in a good position to feed us intel on where to find idiots running sites
[ 2014.10.22 23:58:02 ] Malception > in general. we're equal opportunity gankers.
[ 2014.10.22 23:58:11 ] Wakkachu > larfs like it
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:00 ] Malception > if you guys have any affiliates we could use intel from them as well.
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:19 ] Wakkachu > yes we do have contacts in new eden
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:33 ] Wakkachu > of course im not going to tell you now
[ 2014.10.22 23:59:41 ] Wakkachu > as we have only just met
[ 2014.10.23 00:00:02 ] Wakkachu > what posistion do you have in your corp?
[ 2014.10.23 00:00:36 ] Malception > Head Nigger In Charge (HNIC)
[ 2014.10.23 00:00:54 ] Wakkachu > ok forgive me but what does that mean?
[ 2014.10.23 00:02:10 ] Malception > well since we just met i don't really feel all that comfortable telling you the details, but what position do you hold in your organization?
[ 2014.10.23 00:02:29 ] Wakkachu > ok thats cool
[ 2014.10.23 00:02:35 ] Wakkachu > then answer me this
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:00 ] Wakkachu > do you have the autharity to speck on behalf of dutch?
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:12 ] Malception > Yes.
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:24 ] Wakkachu > cool
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:41 ] Wakkachu > as you know i am the alliance leader of VV
[ 2014.10.23 00:03:45 ] Malception > doyou have the authority to speak for VV or should i be directing my questions from here on out at Derelict?
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:02 ] Wakkachu > just aswered that one mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:11 ] Malception > barely. go on.
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:24 ] Wakkachu > not barely
[ 2014.10.23 00:04:31 ] Wakkachu > i am the alliance leader mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:05:17 ] Wakkachu > may i make a surgestion to you
[ 2014.10.23 00:05:30 ] Malception > no, but you may get to the point.
[ 2014.10.23 00:06:10 ] Wakkachu > ok my point is this
[ 2014.10.23 00:08:28 ] Wakkachu > I surgest myself and dutch areange a conversation regarding mutail agreement at an arange time. If this is condusive with dutch plans great. if not then i dont belive we can reach an agreement. wouldnt agree?
[ 2014.10.23 00:09:19 ] Wakkachu > you^
[ 2014.10.23 00:09:26 ] Malception > what mutual agreement do you have in mind?
[ 2014.10.23 00:09:50 ] Wakkachu > i think you missed my point mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:10:09 ] Wakkachu > i surgest
[ 2014.10.23 00:10:30 ] Malception > you want to discuss the undisclosed terms of an as yet unproposed agreement at a future date then?
[ 2014.10.23 00:10:43 ] Wakkachu > me and dutch arrange a meeting to disscuse this
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:04 ] Wakkachu > when i say dutch i meen you and your bosses
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:19 ] Wakkachu > i am willing to arrange this
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:23 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.23 00:11:39 ] Wakkachu > i feel you are unwilling to do this
[ 2014.10.23 00:13:40 ] Wakkachu > am i worng?
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:01 ] Malception > without knowing what you have in mind, aside from a mutual agreement,i can't commit to meeting in the future.
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:10 ] Wakkachu > agreed
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:16 ] Malception > wouldyou like to give more detail onyour thoughts?
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:28 ] Wakkachu > sure
[ 2014.10.23 00:14:35 ] Malception > thanks.
[ 2014.10.23 00:16:16 ] Wakkachu > my thought are thus
[ 2014.10.23 00:16:34 ] Wakkachu > I have intel on you guys
[ 2014.10.23 00:16:58 ] Wakkachu > but thats the only data I have to form an opion on you guys
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:09 ] Wakkachu > i dont have
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:20 ] Wakkachu > point of contct with you guys
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:34 ] Wakkachu > this is why we are talking
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:48 ] Wakkachu > so i can understand who you are
[ 2014.10.23 00:17:50 ] Malception > very well. would you like me to shed any light on any of the intel you have on us?
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:03 ] Wakkachu > of course not mate
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:15 ] Wakkachu > this is why i wanna talk to you
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:25 ] Wakkachu > get it first hand from you
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:25 ] Malception > so what would you like to know about us?
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:28 ] Wakkachu > or
[ 2014.10.23 00:18:31 ] Wakkachu > your corp
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:03 ] Wakkachu > this is why i want to discuss further ops
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:05 ] Wakkachu > but
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:11 ] Wakkachu > if you think
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:23 ] Wakkachu > we will pay you not to atack us
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:30 ] Wakkachu > then you are wrong
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:35 ] Wakkachu > that wont happen
[ 2014.10.23 00:19:43 ] Wakkachu > so i surgest
[ 2014.10.23 00:20:27 ] Wakkachu > we arange a meeting between you and I and your CEO to potencail look at co operation
[ 2014.10.23 00:20:55 ] Wakkachu > if your not happy with that
[ 2014.10.23 00:20:59 ] Wakkachu > thats fine
[ 2014.10.23 00:22:00 ] Malception > cooperation on what level? when do you propose we have this meeting? where will it take place? i need a level of detail about what you want to discuss beyond what you're providing.
[ 2014.10.23 00:22:19 ] Wakkachu > fiar enough
[ 2014.10.23 00:22:38 ] Wakkachu > whenis a good time for your guys to come and talk to me?
[ 2014.10.23 00:23:45 ] Malception > We're going blue because Derelict was persuasive and showed us that it was valuable to us as well as you to go blue

Convergence Zone

The Company has explored, scanned, surveyed and exploited more systems than we can be bothered to count. During those wide-ranging excursions we've noticed a pronounced drop in wormhole activity. Specifically the activity availing itself to surprise butt-sex: Sleeper Farming.

During our weeks of constant scouting all we've managed to get glimpses of are covert ops frigates and cloaky haulers and those are by far few in number. In general w-space seems to be sleeping.

Yes, there are a few corporations who've managed to swell their ranks and engage in the large wormhole fights, but these entities are not in the same class as us. They happily blob entire fleets onto a single carebear cruiser in order to whore the killmail. Unfortunately they will just as happily renounce you for not engaging them, despite their known blob tactics.

That is the down-side of massive entities in w-space. No one wants to fight them for fear of being so overwhelmingly outnumbered that fighting becomes an exercise in futility.

Regardless of whether the current doldrums are a result of massive entities or something else the Company is lucky to have found its most recent acquisition: the location of a class 3 wormhole system with active pilots and many shiny ships ripe for the plundering.

Stay tuned for a report of upcoming operations.

Mutiny on the Faggot Sea

Failure. Loss. Defeat. Cowardice. Betrayal.

The road to glory is long and twisted. It doubles back on itself and no one is immune to confusion. Even bitter vets get lost and must start over.

On the decks of our elite Stratios cruisers, buckled and burned by countless battles, we former Captains of the Dutch Rudder Company sail the unspeakable madness of wormhole space. With fair solar winds at our backs and smooth waters ahead we plundered the tight holes of carebears and failtards in the systems connected directly to the regions of known space.

Within weeks we had amassed a fortune from looting officer-fit Caracals and PLEX-encrusted tears. It was time to make for port and squander our bountiful wealth on male strippers and unnecessarily expensive battleship hulls with fancy paint jobs.

Erotic, depraved hedonism cannot last forever and we soon took back to the uncharted stars, this time in support of those we believed to be friends.

We found the corporation known as Jaded to be a veritable sea of anus-chafing faggotry. Ceaseless chattering filled with "rekt", "gucci", "kek", "gibblefart" and "suckadickbro" reverberated throughout their home C5, Stargasm, in childlike voices that would be impossible for me to replicate - to attempt it would require filling my mouth with an inordinate amount of semen!

Despite their incoherent ramblings and endless debates about everything from ship fittings to how many more penises one of them could stuff into his butt we decided to stay and attempt a rescue operation.

When their active leadership was berated by an absentee CEO we came to his defense and helped him take the helm of the corporation in name as well as in fact. Ruinous comms discipline was reigned in to a mere retarded comms discipline. Catastrophic Sleeper escalations that would've otherwise resulted in the deaths of entire gangs of caps were salvaged so that only minimal losses were incurred.

Jaded's gratitude for our efforts of leadership and content generation was expressed in the revocation of our roles and banishment from their precious festival of failure.

Left to our own devices once again, the Captains of the Dutch Rudder Company hoist our space-anchors and set sail with cargo holds full of wildly inappropriate ammunition and a dick-flourish flag flapping proudly atop our jackstaffs.

Keep out a weather eye, space friends. Soon enough you may see us coming over the horizon.

A Long Road Back

There have been many kings throughout history: great kings, weak kings, priest kings, god kings, foolish kings and even wise kings.

None of them are so special, however, as dead kings.

Poisoned, assassinated, slaughtered, betrayed and deposed, dead kings, whether they die in glorious battle and victory or suffer ignominious death via the errant bolt of a soup-maker, become the stuff of legend.

I, too, am a king – a dead king – crazed by exposure to the long dark of Anoikis and the deep places. I am dead yet free of the thief which stole my sanity.

In time my mind will recover. Perhaps with another clone; another rebirth.

Yes, I believe that's the key.

'Once there was a thief and the thief was God.'

- First line from The Exodus Bible

Piracy!

Official writ from the Headquarters of the Dutch Rudder Trading Company:

To the Board of Directors at the Dutch Rudder House,

An account of actions undertaken by the Company on the 10th of May, 2014 in J140642 against ships flying the flag of the Science and Trade Institute and a defense against accusations of piracy by the very same.

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By a Staff Officer

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Malception, commander of the Infidel, thus named in the angry-spaghetti script of all Hajis everywhere.

The aforementioned system had been under surveillance by a Company ship under the command of No'Wai Amagawd, newly-returned from shore-leave  and the co-author of the infamous No'Wai-Malception Law. Captain Amagawd signaled to the rest of the fleet, once more commanded by Torshawna aboard the flagship One Flourish to Burn, that he had spotted neutral activity in the open at which point our fleet made full sail to the nearest wormhole that would provide entrance to where the targets were located.

Upon entering the system we found the targets to be on the wormhole to high security space and engaged them there for lack of a better option. As they all jumped out a Navy-issued Caracal landed several kilometers off of the wormhole. Our Stratios cruisers made short work of the vessel, but the pilot's escape pod slipped away.

Many of the modules remained intact within the wreckage and they were of some value.

What followed were immediate accusations of piracy on the part of the Company by the captain of the destroyed vessel whose unmitigated stupidity was highly entertaining for those of us involved. The commander of the fleet was the first to receive communications from our most recent victim.

An EVE mail from the idiot:
PIRATE
From: themoron Sent: 2014.05.11 00:18
To: Torshawna, 

Fuck you.

...Followed by chat conversation:
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:32 ] Torshawna > why so rude?
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:36 ] themoron > thats why
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:38 ] themoron > in the wormhole
[ 2014.05.11 00:19:47 ] Torshawna > we didn't get the pod
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:00 ] themoron > Yeah, well you're still a douche
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:06 ] Torshawna > what for?
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:07 ] themoron > enjoy your bounties
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:14 ] Torshawna > for playing the game?
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:22 ] Torshawna > don't fly in wormhole space if you don't want the risk
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:47 ] themoron > You have a choice to camp, just like I have a choice to go there. We were just exploring
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:54 ] Torshawna > we didn't camp
[ 2014.05.11 00:20:59 ] themoron > ergo, enjoy the bounties
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:05 ] themoron > no, you saw noob ships
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:13 ] themoron > and thought itd be fun to open up
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:17 ] themoron > which makes you a douche
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:23 ] Torshawna > alright
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:32 ] Torshawna > let me say this to
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:36 ] Torshawna > you'll feel a lot better
[ 2014.05.11 00:21:53 ] Torshawna > May the Rudder always guide you into Orgasm Harbor. It's been a pleasure sailing with :)
[ 2014.05.11 00:22:41 ] themoron > what, your 3 month old corp
[ 2014.05.11 00:22:42 ] themoron > zzzz
[ 2014.05.11 00:25:41 ] Torshawna > lol
[ 2014.05.11 00:25:48 ] Torshawna > you can smalk taK ALL YOU WANT
[ 2014.05.11 00:26:00 ] Torshawna > the fact that you are idiots, doesn't hurt my feelings

Some post facto intelligence gathering has yielded the following gems: a little behind-the-scenes write-up by the pilot's acquaintance as well as a conversation between the pilot of the Navy Caracal and his more experienced, but vastly more impoverished friend.

In accordance with policies a priori zero shits have been given over this incident and all butthurt has been collected to be used as ballast for our vessels.

Siphilus

Official writ from the headquarters of the Dutch Rudder Trading Company:

To all who shall see the presents, Greeting. Let it be known that on the 25th day in the month of April in the 2014th year of our Lord, the Company undertook a joint operation to be conducted in Anoikis with unaffiliated corporations.

Flying under the Admiralty of Torshawna aboard the flagship, One Flourish to Rule, our fleet, consisting primarily of Stratioses and inexplicably-present Blackbirds, engaged a Sacrilege and Cerberus in null-sec after passing through a class 3 system. Both ships managed to escape, but we soon turned the guns of the Company on one our own.

Since joining our battle-group Siphilus (a.k.a. Xylophone), a representative from Blacksoul Tribal Nation, made a certified ass of herself, but I suspect she overestimated the number of shits to be given by the Company.

After she left herself in a position of extreme vulnerability in null-sec it was jokingly suggested she simply be scuttled in order to return her to the safety of hi-sec to which she responded that though many threatened to kill her none had ever followed through and she would be relieved if someone actually followed through.

Being a consummate gentlemen of the stars Dutch Rudder Trading Company sent her to a fresh, new clone thus providing that longed-for relief.

Therefore, it shall be this Company's policy forthwith to provide zero shits and harvest all butt-hurt and tears from said policy. Also, Ishisomo is henceforth renamed Itchy Homo on all navigational maps of the Company.